Here is one more for today……

13. He must not be a new believer – I remember when I first became a Christian, soon after that experience I felt the call to go into full time ministry. Looking back at that I think it’s something that many feel when salvation comes in such a powerful way. I’ve seen it over and over again with so many men and women over the years. The key is to seek and find out if it’s God calling you or if your excitement and passion is moving you in that direction. I MUST SAY this……we are ALL called to ministry…our lives should be about Christ and where He leads us DAILY — so yes we are ALL ministers. With that said there is another calling that moves a man or woman into Pastoring, evangelist etc….a call to dedicate a life to Full Time service for the Lord.

When I was first saved I was on fire and ready to roll….felt strong the call of God to enter into full time ministry. I was part of the Assembly of God Church, this is the church where I found the Lord, I was plugged in with a couple of the pastor’s and was ready to make the move. I went to one of the pastor’s and talked to him about this, they had a school in the church. Trinity Bible College. I had another good friend that was going there and both the pastor and my friend said “GO GO GO” and so I enrolled in the school and paid the tuition, bought my books and started down the road that would end in full time ministry. (this was my dream)

After the first year and entering into the second year Diane and I decided to get married. I went to the pastor who I was pretty close with and asked if he would marry us, I was so excited! We met and he told me that he could not marry us because I was married before and was divorced, the church would not allow this. I was shaken a little and then figured, well I’ll ask an outside pastor  to perform the ceremony and just use the church for the wedding, so I told him that and he said “Greg, you can’t even get married in this church” and it floored me. I walked away shocked and angry. After a few hours I realized that if they could not perform my wedding and if I couldn’t even be married within the walls of this church, I will never be ordained through this church!! I went to the pastor the next day to confirm that and it was true. I asked why are you even allowing me to be in YOUR SCHOOL when I will never be ordained, never be in ministry? He had no answer so I walked out that day never to return.

I ended up going back to a little church in Rio Linda, there the pastor took me under his wing and helped me along. Soon I decided to enroll in the Bible College offered through the district. This was through the church of the Nazarene. The pastor agreed and supported, the church board agreed and supported, now I had to go and apply to the school. I sent in my application and waited…..within a week or so my pastor called me and told me that they turned me down, I was not able to attend the school because of my past. I was pretty mad and upset and my pastor was too, he told me he was ready to resign over it and that just fueled my anger and resentment. The man who made the decision name was Walter Hubbard. I held a lot of anger toward him, saying he was a old man that was not ready for any change etc….(right here that shows my new believer status)

I have up and dove into work. We moved to the bay area and then to Chico. In Chico we ended up in a Nazarene church and made some good friends in that church and with the pastors. I was the youth pastor and was able to preach a couple times. Pastor Tom supported me even though I would never be able to attend school or be ordained. From Chico we moved back to the Bay area and ended up in a Nazarene Church in Fremont. A great little church where the pastor encouraged me to move forward in school and would help me get in. This was a different district so I applied and was ACCEPTED…….. so I started my journey in Bible College. Worked full time and went to school at night.

After a three years or so we moved to Tracy, by this time Dr Hubbard had retired and a new man was in charge, I was able to transfer my schooling to this district and continue. It took me over 9 years to finally graduate but I DID IT!! Entering into full time ministry before I even graduated!!

Soon after that I realized how immature I was as a Christian when I first started, I KNEW NOTHING except God called me….. Dr Hubbard had great insight and saw my lack of wisdom, knowledge and all the things needed to make a man ready for ministry. I realized he did me a GREAT FAVOR by not allowing me in so quickly……..I sought him our and asked for his forgiveness through my tears, I told him of my anger and words I have used against him…..he had NO IDEA but accepted my apology and forgave me…. we both wept and hugged that day. From that day forward he was one of my biggest supporters.

This is part of being in the body of Christ — the CHURCH! A pastor/elder/deacon must NOT be a NEW BELIEVER!! Why? Man I would have ruined more lives that helped when I was a new believer… We need to time to grow, understand the ways of the Lord, fall IN LOVE with the Lord, know the Word, understand prayer, fasting, tithing, service, love and people. Become mature in the Lord so we may lead other into maturity. And SO MUCH MORE!!!

 

Just about to the end of this list of qualifications of an elder/pastor penned by Paul in 1Timothy 3 – the idea of this is for ME, it’s a healing process, it’s a renewal process, it’s a way to look back at my life as a minister and what the Lord has done. I’m loving this through the pain of reality.

12. Must manage his family well, having children who love and respect him. Well this one is a very difficult one for me. I have two families, I was married as a very young man and had 4 children………..Jennifer, Misty, Shirley and Ryan. This was before I became a Christian but the reality is it doesn’t matter if I was or not, it’s just basic human behavior to love and take care of your family…..it does not depend on if you follow God or not. Back then my life was a total mess with drugs, alcohol, women, money etc….get the picture? I walked out of that family after 8 years of marriage, the children were all pretty young, Ryan was only 2 years old.

After another failed marriage, a year in state prison my life changed forever….I remarried a few years later and had 4 more children…..Meghan, Noah, Rebecca, and Adam. At this point in my life I saw everything differently, I was broken knowing what I had done to my other children…..I was never a father to them, spent very little time with them and did not invest into them at all. When I had 4 more children it was as though the Lord gave me a second chance and I was determined to be a GREAT FATHER to them! I believe that I was with the exception of 2 things….

1. I had secrets that they never knew about and sooner or later the Lord will expose them – they had NO idea of who I was on the inside (not saying I was always someone else, but the secrets grew through the years) When I was exposed, they were all grown and it was devastating to them all. They ONLY knew me as the father they could trust, the father that was faithful, the father that was their pastor………a father that LOVED their mother. So for them it was devastating.

2. I never made it right with my other children, I kept the attitude that it was the past and I could not change it, they are all grown and doing fine…. I let them know how much God has changed my through my words, but my actions NEVER MET up with my words. So, I didn’t teach my children how to forgive, seek forgiveness, repair hurts, and make things right. They thought I was a stellar Christian man who made mistakes and God healed and made it right!!

So with my first family, they were hurting and had to learn how to deal a father that was not a father and when this happened again in 2012 it crushed them even more. When I fell as pastor, when my life was totally exposed, I called each one of them and let them know. Even at that moment I had NO CLUE how it affected them…..My second daughter Misty  helped me the most with this. She pretty much said she wanted nothing to do with me! I was hurt and angry with her and asked her about it. She calmly explained to me why she said that and what she meant. She has worked very hard to heal in her life and most of it because of ME….she was no longer going to allow me to hurt her, control her feeling, her pain etc…. she is better off keeping a distance. That opened the door to SO MUCH for me. Not only with Misty but for everyone that was in my life. All the pain I’ve caused in so many lives. I will forever be grateful for that. I love you Misty Scott for being honest with me and having the guts to say it.

Then there is the issues of Sandie, Jody and Diane…. Sandie and I were married for 8 years, high school sweethearts……I walked away from that marriage and family and did not look back for many years. I cheated on Sandie and left her for another woman (girl). I did not stick around to see what she was going through, how she hurt, the pain, the anger… none of it………I just walked away and lived my life!! When this happened again last year and I watched and experienced what Diane went through I saw for the first time what Sandie must have gone through and maybe to another level even. I stayed and faced it with Diane but with Sandie, I gave her NOTHING!!! I truly thought she would be ok back then, it was no big deal. Man, she must have hated me!!! To Sandie I am truly sorry and I will always be so very thankful for how you raised the children, they all turned out GREAT and that is ALL BECAUSE of you!! You are a strong woman, a loving and wonderful mother and an incredible grandmother. Thank you! I wish it would have been different. I am sorry!

I left Sandie for Jody, a young girl I worked with. I was 29 years old with 4 children, she was 18 years old just out of HS and living with her parents. We moved in together and married about a year or two later. Her family hated me and we didn’t care! We were married for about a year and it all ended when I was arrested and her eyes were opened. We had NO CHILDREN THANK GOD. She was able to walk away after 3 years and we never saw one another again. I am so sorry for this part of my life – the hurt that I caused that family and her I can’t even imagine….. well I can in a way, I know how protective I am with my girls when it comes to boys! I will probably never have the chance to speak to her or her family again………but I am so very sorry!!

And then there is Diane, my 3rd wife. When we met I was a brand new Christian man going through a divorce and on my way to prison. She was a young woman that was a born again Christian, never married and committed to staying single, not dating until God brought along the right man. We didn’t start dating until a couple years later, although there was something there for both of us. When we did start dating everything moved quickly…. within months we set a date to marry. Here family LOVED and ACCEPTED ME right into the family. God showed her I was the man she was to marry. A man married 2 times with 4 children and spent a year in prison! Can you imagine? We married with our eyes on ministry the entire time. … this was the goal, I was called to pastor, she was called to be my partner…..we had 4 children within the first few years and life took off from there. I loved the Lord, I loved her, I loved my family. BUT….I had things in me that just were not right, I could lie with ease, I could hide things with ease, I could flirt with other women with ease and Diane knew this, she kept forgiving me and forgiving me, believing that God would heal me one day. Each time something would come up it would kill her a little more and before we knew it we were in full time ministry together and if she ever exposed the “real” me she knew that I would lose my position, our church, blah blah blah.  So when all this came out in 2012 after years and years of her dying more and more, not trusting me, being hurt by me in SO MANY ways……….she finally shut down and that was it!!  She was not sure if she would remain married to me or not…….one thing about Diane is she loves God much more than she loves me, she trust God and did not trust me. She left and sought out what God had to say about it, what He wanted her to do. Without telling her story, she chose to forgive me and that opened the door to many to forgive and see, she chose to remain married to me and move forward. To Diane: I love you and will forever be grateful and thankful for the woman that you are! Our last years on this earth will be out best, with or without money we will always have one another and our family! Thank you for loving the Lord the way you do and being obedient to His word.

I have watched the pain, hurt and humiliation that she has gone through and that has helped me see so many things in my life. Who I am, Who I was, What I’ve done and how I’ve hurt so many. The devastation that I’ve cause Sandie and my other children. The lack of Love that I give, show and experience. Diane I will always be grateful to you….. I LOVE YOU with all my heart.

So, “He must manage his own family well, having children who respect and obey him. For if a man cannot manage his own household, how can he take care of God’s church?”

He can’t and I didn’t!! I treated God’s church just like I treated Sandie, Jody, Diane, Jennifer, Misty, Shirley, Ryan, Meghan, Noah, Rebecca, and Adam…….How do you test a man in this? I can lie, I can cover up, I can convince a board that all is well with my family, I can even convince myself (I believe this is how I lived my life) that they respected me. BUT…if they would have spoken with Sandie or any of my children I had with her, especially Misty they may have gotten a better picture of me.

I cannot go back in time and repair any of this – I can only live my life today the BEST I can, one day at a time. I LOVE and I am learning to love. I have a long way to go with all my children and I pray that the day will come when all is healed, forgiven and clean. No pain, no living with “I wish…..” but we will be pure, loving and renewed as a family. ALL OF US!!

FORGIVENESS IS A POWERFUL THING…..

I say this has been life changing but the truth is it has NOT been life changing for me, it’s opened my eyes to how much my life has changed. The Spirit is revealing some new things to me, showing me how far off I was for so many years and in that I see the GREATEST LOVE in the world, the LOVE that the Father has for me and for the world is beyond amazing!! I can also see the opportunities missed in my life and ministry. Being a pastor is not about ME at any level, it’s ALL ABOUT HIM and how he uses me to touch people, show them the LOVE OF THE FATHER, show them the compassion, touch, healing, holiness of who God is. It’s not easy looking at my life and the mistakes I’ve made but it sure is comforting to know He still loves me and has not given up on me!!

11. Must not love money –   This is the one that I’ve dreaded coming to but here is is…. probably one of the biggest struggles in my life, even to this day. My entire life has been ruled by this one thing.. MONEY! There have been seasons in my life that it’s been good and under control, that I’ve honored God, my wife in our money but even with that said they have been short seasons.

As a pastor I have failed horribly in this area. I could not control it in my personal life there was NO way to control it in ministry life, running the church, helping others with financial issues in life, teaching and preaching on tithing and the list goes on and on. I failed. It’s so much more than “managing money” when it comes to ministry. It’s a spiritual principle that goes deep and is one of the MAJOR principles in our Christian walk.

The Bible the says “the LOVE OF MONEY is the ……” Also speaks of God owning everything in this world, God gives and takes away, it is a trust issue.  The bottom line I did not trust God when it came to my finances. Why? Because I’m selfish, I covet, I want, I desire, I must have things that I want. And for the most part in my life I would find a way to get what I wanted even if it cost me in deep ways. In relationships, in integrity, my job, my family etc…..

A Pastor/Elder must be about to lead in this, have a testimony in this, trust God and have total integrity in this. Be able to run the financial affairs of his home, his family and the ministry. If he can’t manage his own finances how in the world can he manage ministries that sometimes take in millions of dollars. If you can’t be trusted with the small how can you ever be trusted with the larger? There is also the matter of people give their hard earned money to support a church/ministry, they trust that the church will be a good steward with what they give! I was horrible!!!

This is an area of my life I struggle with to this day, BUT….I go to Him every morning with it, when something arises in me that I want or feel I need to have I take it to him and lay it down. It’s far more important to me to have a trusting and open relationship with Jesus and my wife than to find ways to get what I want. I could make you a list of things I would like to have………but that list now sits at the foot of the cross and I do not plan on picking it back up.

So, how is one tested in this. If the credential board would have asked my wife point blank how I handle our personal finances 15 or 20 years ago, the light would have come on. If they ran a credit check, or looked at my bank account records. Am I saying they should? I really don’t know, are there more men and woman out there like me in ministry today? YES YES YES I’ve seen it over and over again, men and woman falling out of ministry because of money issues etc…. and EVERY TIME the family or wife would admit they hid it.

In the corporate world most companies run your credit before they hire you….why? It shows your character when it comes to how you manage your life. In ministry I’ve always preached, read, heard that our money is always the hardest and the last area of our lives we hand over to God completely.

With all this said, I do believe that there are FAR MORE good and honest men and women in ministry than ones that have flaws they hide. IF someone has nothing to hide they will take NO offense when they are checked out, question or asked to provide things that prove who they are on the inside.

I have come a long way over the last year and I’m VERY Thankful………still growing and changing…….I will until the day I die.

Enough– not liking this one too much… makes me sick to think of how I was in this area f my life.                                                                

I have been in this for a couple weeks now, have just a few more to go. I really thought it would be easy to get through this, you know a few that I had to deal with but for the most part I was OK! Well, I have found that thought to be totally wrong. Each one of these I had flaws, but the truth is in each one that there was a flaw it was through deception, hiding it, trying to fool people, myself, and even God. I don’t think I always did it on purpose and that probably makes no sense I know, but I didn’t. I would have moments that I knew if anyone knew the real me they would probably hate me…….but I was able to brush them aside and move forward.

With that said I would say I was sincere in my love for people, my love for pastoring, preaching, the Word…….it’s mixed up and crazy. Looking back and the way I see Him today and I know how He sees me, it is a different life and would be a different ministry. I can’t change the past but I can allow my past to help me see truth, change and grow. God cares about my heart, my spirit and my tomorrow. The PAST IS DEAD!! I believe with all I have that God exposed me to save me!! Not to punish me or humiliate me. Not to hurt me, my family, my church, but to SAVE ME!

I am trying to be very open and honest with all of these things, they are giving me a window into my past, my thoughts, my motives, my desires…..I know that not many read these words I write and it doesn’t really matter………it’s good for me!! So let’s go on to the next one…

 10. Must not be quarrelsome – When I see this I think of this verse out of 2Timothy – 2 Timothy 2:22-25
“Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth.”

I know as we all know people who just love to argue scriptures, or argue anything for that matter. And we all know that with some people you just can’t win an argument. They have an opinion and NOTHING will sway them. It’s a waste of time and before long the argument turns personal, you are this and they are that junk. I had a good friend who always wanted to debate (the way he put it) but if I didn’t bend to his way of thinking all of a sudden I was arrogant, nasty, and hard headed……he would say he would leave the church blah blah blah — this is exactly why Paul writes this to the body of Christ in 2Timothy and even more pointed to those called to be a pastor or elder. Why as a leader is it even more important?

We are called to speak the truth, not opinions, not opinions of other men, preachers, teachers, elders….etc…. There is NO need to “convince” people through arguments of the truth… put it out there and it’s up to them to accept it or not. The Holy Spirit will give light on the truth if they are able and open to hear Him. 

I have spoken on the “spiritual” side of this, what about the personal side of this. Issues that are not about the Word, God, Spiritual issues, etc….it says “Must not be quarrelsome” this means in your life, personal and ministry. A man or woman who is quarrelsome is full of PRIDE, it’s always about them, about being right in just about any situation you are involved in. In ministry I do not think I was quarrelsome but in my private life I was very quarrelsome, with my wife and anyone else that would challenge me. Bottom line is a prideful thing. It was not about “truth” or how the Spirit would be leading me it would be ALL FLESH and ALL ME!!

So, today I am learning to rest in HIM every minute of every day. I look to the Holy Spirit to guide me in my conversations, when my wife challenges me, my counselor challenges me, a family member or a friend……it’s hard at times, the old flesh wants to rise up and “be right” at any cost. But when you enter into His Rest the Holy Spirit will let you get away with NOTHING!!! It may take me some time to get there, but every day it gets better.

Again here, how do you test a man if he is quarrelsome or not? How do you sit before him and ask? If he is, he is prideful and will probably never admit it! At the end of all of this I will address this in depth….I have touched on it with just about everyone of these….. family!!

To my family — I am so very sorry for being such a prideful man all of my life. I had to be right or I would just ignore you or we would not talk about it. Because of my pride I’ve made everything we talked about shallow. I told you what kind of man I was, I told you how the Lord was directing me, I told you what I was doing, thinking all based on what I wanted you to hear. This was my way of not being Quarrelsome with you. It was a man full of pride trying to be something I was not. I am so very sorry. I am now trying to live my life as an open book, looking to be the best I can be as a husband, father, grandfather. It’s a long road and it’s very difficult……but it’s going to be worth it!!

I am far from being all I am designed to be…….but moving forward. 

That’s It for today…..getting through this little by little

My car has been acting up, I drive about 80 miles or more a day so I put a lot of miles on a car. My car now is pushing right at 120K and it’s just a cheap little commuter car. So the other day I’m driving home and not sure if I’m going to make it or not, there is an electrical problem and it’s cutting in and out. As I’m driving home and I’m thinking I’m going to get stuck miles from home on a dark country road I started thinking about all the blog’s I’ve been writing, about self-control, anger, violent temper etc……I made the choice at that moment to accept what is going on and not get upset by it……if I break down then I break down it’s not the end of the world! I made it home and told Diane I would have to take her car the next day because mine is pretty sick.

I do not have the money to fix it right now and not sure what we will do yet, but I do know that my attitude on this is more important than it being fixed. What I noticed is it has not been a battle for me, it is what it is, it’s not anyone’s fault, it just is. So on Saturday I drove Diane’s car to work. She LOVES her little mustang for sure and I know this. On the way home I am driving along listening to a CD that Diane had in the car, it is a dark and winding road.

The song that came on was an old song we used to do at my church, it says “how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you…….” I LOVED that song and I started worshipping, the thought hit me right in the middle of that song…….nothing else really matters, what I drive, if my car is down or what, if I have food on my table, If my health is perfect or not, if people don’t like me or they do like me, if my job is perfect, if my PG&E bill is late…..nothing really matters, I have HIM – how can I stand on this earth and not be moved, not be happy, not be satisfied when after all I’ve done in my life, all the damage, hurt and pain I’ve caused in so many people and family members, HE STILL LOVES ME and is TEACHING ME!! I was very thankful at that moment……….I put that song on repeat and listened to it all the way home.

I get into Valley Springs about 1/2 mile from home cruising along and my heart was FULL, my Spirit was SOARING, my wife was waiting at home for me and I though WOW what a blessed man I am……..everything is good!!! And the out of nowhere a DEER much bigger than my car ran right in front of me and it scared the CRAP out of me and a second later while trying to catch my breath a second one jump and ran right into the front of Diane’s baby (mustang) and things went flying!! It was like hitting a brick wall, I looked back and the deer was running off the road… (I’m pretty sure) I was shocked and my heart was racing!! The car still ran and I had no idea of the damage until I got home.

I didn’t want to see it and more than that I didn’t want to let Diane see it – I got home and called her outside to show her the damage, my heart was still racing. She was pretty sad but thankful I was OK………but the look on her face 😦

As I laid my head down for bed last night I was asking God why? I could gently hear his speaking to me…..”there is no “why”, it’s part of the world, deer run they don’t know what a car is……” and almost chuckled and then remembered my worship as I drove home….”How can I stand here in front of you and not be moved by you…” and thanked him for an incredible day…….. I have a wife that loves me, a family that loves me a roof over my head, my health is good and a dog that makes me smile. 🙂

Sometimes in life we are just cruising along singing, skipping and full of joy and without a moments notice BAM everything changes……. good be financial, could be a death of a loved one, could be bad health, could be ANYTHING, it’s LIFE and life is REAL………but for the Christian if your life is IN HIM there is peace that goes beyond our human understanding…. I have Him if I lose everything else. I am learning at the young age of 61 how to LOVE and how to be THANKFUL.

It’s just a CAR

Here is one more for today….

9. Must be gentle – 

1. kindly; amiable: a gentle manner.

2. not severe, rough, or violent; mild: a gentle wind; a gentle tap on the shoulder.

3. moderate: gentle heat.

4. gradual: a gentle slope.

5. of good birth or family; wellborn.

6. characteristic of good birth; honorable; respectable: a gentle upbringing.

7. easily handled or managed; tractable: a gentle animal.

8. soft or low: a gentle sound.

9. polite; refined: Consider, gentle reader, my terrible predicament at this juncture.

10. entitled to a coat of arms; armigerous.

11. Archaic. noble; chivalrous: a gentle knight.

A very interesting word, GENTLE. Here again this is one of the fruits of the Spirit. You are either gentle or you are not gentle, it is something you can’t fake. You may be able to hide it for a period of time but those who know you best will see the other side sooner or later. I think in my life for the most part I’m a gentle person but there are two definitions here that stands out over the rest. (for me)

“Of good birth or family, wellborn….and….Characteristic of good birth, honorable, respectable, a gentle upbringing”

This is the part you can’t fake – The Bible says in 2Cor 5:17 that “when we are born again we are NEW creatures, the old has passed away……” that means it does not matter where we came from in our natural – does not matter what our upbringing has been – does not matter what class of people we have been! Once we are born again and filled with the Spirit and BUILD the relationship with Jesus, enter His REST, he begins to transform us through the Holy Spirit that dwells inside of us. If we grew up in violence, anger, deception, drugs or WHATEVER — The Holy Spirit begins to transform us into a new creation, born of Royalty, sons and daughters of the King, a new heritage and a new future. It does not come easy and it does not come without a price!! The price is dying to our self and allowing Him to renew our minds, thoughts, patterns, habits, dysfunctions! The REWARDS are the fruits of the spirit!!

Galatians 5:22-23 = New International Version (NIV)

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

So, it’s something you cannot hide. You may be able to fool some people for a period of time but the Lord will not be mocked, He is more concerned about our hearts than he is about our reputations!! He never exposes out of anger (I think) but out of 100% total love.

For me…..I claimed 2Cor 5:17 as my life verse for the last 20 years. I believe that it was, but I claimed it as a “BAM” experience and acted like the work was done!! I wanted to believe that in my life, and the truth is SO MUCH was done but I had things that I kept hidden, things that nobody saw……….My wife would see me as a not so gentle man, I’m sure my children saw glimpses of it and I knew. When alone driving I could cuss out the guy in my way in TOTAL ANGER as if it was nothing……….I could say things to strangers……..animals………blah blah blah — get the picture? I lived my life in public as a gentle man and in secret the opposite in many ways. There were people in our city that would never ever go to my church because they saw something in me not right……..I hated that and to justify it I would point back to them or say things like it’s because I’m a pastor, they will pay when they stand before God…. so so so so sick….. the bottom line? God sees all, knows all and I can’t hide from Him just as you can’t!

So an Elder/Pastor needs to be tested before he enters into ministry — not an easy job!! But again wife, children, etc…..they always know the truth!!!

Why does an Elder/Pastor need to be gentle – they are shepherds of the souls of the men and women the Lord brings to them…..when you are watching the souls of people it gets VERY NASTY – DIRTY – UGLY and if you do not have a gentle spirit, you will turn them away from the Lord rather than draw them in. I have SEEN some amazing things and some disgusting things in ministry, I have been blown away by the things that people have shared with me, I have walked through with people etc….it takes a SHEPERD to be able to draw them and to walk through life with them.

Jesus was as gentle as they come, the perfect example. The filth, dirt, dysfunction of the world didn’t throw him, it brought out a compassion and gentleness in him that most can’t even imagine. He loved, had compassion, helped, gave hope to, showed mercy to the dirty, hurting, sick, broken people of the world. The ONLY ones he got angry with and called them out was the ones who were full of pride, misused their positions, the religious leaders who lived by their rules and demanded honor and respect. HE LOVED the prostitutes, thief’s, broken hearted, adulterer’s, criminals, sick, and everyone else in the world. His LOVE had NO bounds………. and Elders/Pastors are called to minister JUST AS HE DID — be HIS HANDS and FEET.

Today, I wake every morning and tell him, I cannot be trusted with my life, I am full of sin, anger, bitterness, hate, jealousy, pride and well the list goes on and on……I need him in every situation, I need him to transform all these things within me. ENTER HIS REST and remain there every minute of every day!!!

Well, there is one more for today……..only 6 more to go.

I am about half way through this list that Paul wrote to Timothy about the qualifications for an Elder/Pastor in the church. These are the very things that the church uses to “test” a man or a woman as Paul instructs. I am taking some time to go through each one and line up my “past” life with it and give my thoughts on these as I see them today, as I hear the Spirit speak…..

7. Not a heavy drinker *not drink too much wine – for me this has NOT ever been a problem while I was in ministry. I did not drink at all! This is a very tough subject and I want to try and touch it…….I guess from my perspective on this. We (the church) takes a stand to abstain from alcohol period……why?  Well it is obvious why………but again man takes things the extreme. This is a MAJOR problem in our world, heck my own mother died at 47 years of age from alcohol and it’s a very sad death.

For a minister — I sure get this. People look to their pastor, leader, edlers to be above reproach as we talked about earlier in these post. IF I am your pastor and guiding you through a problem with drinking, or someone you live about the abuse of alcohol and then you see me drinking, that can really trip up a man/woman/teen….so in my opinion it’s best for the elders to just “NOT” touch it. I DO NOT, let me repeat I DO NOT have a problem with alcohol, with drinking a glass of wine, or a toast at a wedding etc…. but I must admit there were times while I was pastoring I would get judgmental with those who would partake in drinking, I think I got to a place where I thought how can someone love Jesus and still drink? I was WRONG, there is a HUGE difference between someone having a glass of wine or a beer and an alcoholic!

We did not drink in our home, my children NEVER had a problem as teens with drinking or drugs, I do believe there is a connection with this….. When I grew up both my parents drank DAILY and my mother was an alcoholic big time, most of us kids had major drinking and drug problems…..

So, I agree with Paul 100% and would even go a step further, if a pastor/elder DO NOT DRINK for it may trip up others around you.

8. Must not be violent – Here is another one I thought was a “breeze by” for me. I am not and was not a violent man! But what does it mean to be violent? Well once again the “testing” of a man is to see the inside as well as the outside. As I spoke before if you want to know the “inside” of a man go to his wife and children they will give you a glimpse of who they are. It is said we are who we are in our private life not our public life. MAN oh MAN this is so true.

I was never violent as in hitting someone, or screaming, cussing at people. But I did have a tempter that nobody ever saw, except my wife and my kids when they pushed me over the edge………lol even my dog could get the best of me at times. I must admit and confess my private life and my public DID NOT match up in this area. 😦

There are many things I could use as an example of this over the years and I’m sure if you ask my wife and my kids they could tell you many but there is ONE memory that sticks out to me and has haunted me over the years from time to time. I want to share as an example of what I’m talking about. In public we are able to put on the man people want to see, but in private can be totally different and if anyone ever saw it they would be horrified! Usually it’s within the family and family “love” hides so many things and protects the person from others knowing the truth. Is it done on purpose? I don’t think so, I think it’s just the natural way of a family. What should separate this would be when a man or woman steps into public roles….in this case entering into ministry full time as a pastor….. the church needs to find a way to open up with the families to really “test” a man. How would this look?  I DO NOT KNOW lol — but it is the answer I believe. I have had pastors in my life, I have been friends with many pastor’s in my lifetime that have fallen because of a violent temper, or an act that is “out of the ordinary” for who we thought they were. When in fact the wife or family will ALWAYS tell you that behind closed doors it was different than it appeared.

For me I have a memory of my son Ryan, he is a grown man now with his own family and a FINE young man with a heart of GOLD!! When he was a young teen maybe 13 or 14 his mother asked if I would take Ryan and allow him to live with me. I left my wife when Ryan was only 2 years old and I was a horrible father at the time, we really had a very shallow relationship, but I now was getting my life together and thought it would be good. My oldest daughter Jenna came when she was 15 and it worked out pretty good. Although looking back now it had nothing to do with me, Diane did all the hard work, I was the fun dad and really didn’t take a role in her life as a loving father that would guide her along. Anyway, Ryan now comes to live with us and it’s pretty much a blur for me. The one memory that hangs with me is one day I come home from work and Diane tells me that Ryan has not come home from school yet and had no idea where he was. She was upset and so I ended up getting mad, when Ryan came home I asked where he was in ANGER and things just escaladed from there, I DO NOT remember the conversation at all but I do remember pinning Ryan down on the floor with my fist in the air screaming at him………I was FURIOUS and I’m sure he was scared ….. he really didn’t know me and here I was acting like a maniac threating to beat the crap out of this young boy. Writing this makes me cry today, I was his father at the most important time of his life, suppose to be a man teaching him how to be a man, how to grow up, control his thoughts, anger, emotions, how to LOVE and how to walk in victory. And my VIOLENT tempter is what I remember……..I wonder what he remembers? I am SO SORRY for this.

This is just one example of what Paul is talking about……if Diane was interviewed and Ryan was interviewed before the credentials board before I was ever ordained they could have seen if my private life matched my public life! It either does or doesn’t’ period!!! One of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control………if you do not have this sooner or later it will come out and when it does it is NOT good for the body of Christ at any level.

Enough for today — I am a wreck

It’s funny as I go to write these some seem so simple and no brainer to me and then the Holy Spirit steps in…….

6. Must be able to teach – hmmmm seems simple enough but….. there were times in my ministry that I taught, but I always said “I hate teaching, I’m a preacher…..” and looking back now I can see how wrong that is……….bottom line it’s an excuse for not knowing the Word in deep enough ways to teach……….being a pastor is so much more than just preaching, we can buy sermons online, well actually you can get all the free ones you want…. when it came to teaching in my life the times I was “IN” the word….. what I mean by that is, reading in depth, studying, eating and allow the Holy Spirit to teach me, guide me etc….. in those times I could teach like no other!! Teach with power and authority because I had deep understanding of the Word, the principles, the power of the Word!! But the other times……. well I would take an outline of what others have learned from the Word and wrote about, take teachings of others that were deep and the “in” the word and just repeat what they said………..and in those times, well it was DEAD for me, dead for the listener etc…. I know there were times that someone in the class or study would be touched but not because I “brought it on” with power of the Word……… it was all Holy Spirit!!! Here is the truth for my past…. I didn’t hate to teach, it sounded good and it worked….. it was a pitiful excuse for not being in the Word and again wanting kudo’s for being something I was not…. I had seasons but….. enough said I think.

So why is this in the bible? Why does Paul pen this? Why is it important that the elder/pastor is able to teach?

An Elder/Pastor is called by God himself to lead people, to pastor them, to teach them, to instruct them, to LOVE them. Men and woman need to be able to know, trust, love the one God brings in their lives to lead them in the ways of the Lord.

When it comes to teaching a person has to trust the one teaching, they MUST know that this person is being led by the living God in ALL area’s of their lives, that God brought them for such a time as this… they can trust what they are being taught. In ministry we recycle so much teaching, so many sermons, etc that some men/women do not even understand what they are teaching!! I think that there are pastors and elders out there that can’t even tell you what they believe, what they base their teachings on….. what the bible actually says about things…….. they believe what they read about the Bible, hear about the Bible!!

I can remember drilling men and women about the “articles of faith” they had to know them, understand them and be able to teach them……. why? BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT WE BASE our FAITH ON!!! It showed through who read the articles of faith and who read the articles of faith through the power of the Holy Spirit…. they knew the “spirit” of these beliefs.

And yet…… well I can understand this concept or principle of “Being able to Teach” in a whole new way today. I LOVE GOD’S Word, the more I read it the more I love it….but what really amazes me is how the words pour into my Spirit now I’m clean and open and “RESTING IN HIM”

This is all I have time for today — will try to post a couple tomorrow………not even half way through yet.

 

I’ve been going through books of the Bible right now I’m in 1Timothy. As I go through these books I am not using any other materials to study along with them. No study notes in my Bible, no sermons, no commentaries etc…. just me and the Holy Spirit – most of the things I’m reading apply to my life from the perspective of who I was and who I really am in Christ. His vision for my life, what he created me to be as a man, husband, father, grandfather and minister. At this point I’m going through the list Paul gives for Elders…….I’m looking at them from what I was………and how it’s meant to be. It is VERY PAINFUL to do this for me but it’s worth it. (I think) in the last few post I’ve hit a few, here are a couple more.

5. He must enjoy having guest in his home – At first glance I read this and thought ahhhhh now here is an easy one. I loved having people over, having a house full of guest. But I felt the Lord check me and ask me to really ponder on this, allow Him to show me some things about this. So I’ve waited a few days to get to this one.

It is true, I love having people over, we both loved to entertain and have dinner parties, pool parties etc….that is very true! But in this the Lord showed me how I abused this and how I grew cold in this. The last 3 years of ministry I was very selective of who would come over and who would not. Again in this I was pulled to have people over that adored me, thought I was a “great” man of God, a great dad, husband blah blah blah — and even closer to the end of my time it would depend on if “she” was involved or not. It all became very selfish and self-centered in all I did when it came to this area of my life as an Elder.

So I asked the Lord to reveal and show me the true reason this is in the Word of God and why it was important for an Elder/Pastor to have this trait that he would be tested on to even be considered as an Elder.

1. A man or woman of God’s home should be an open place to all of the lives they cross with. I am to be of the belief that God puts certain people in our paths for a reason, IF we are truly called by the Father our life is not our own. We are hand picked by God to represent HIM in ALL we do, it’s a LIFE not a JOB!

There are pastors/elders that set themselves up as men and women of “honor” the chosen ones….they demand respect, they demand privacy, they demand to be taken care of and well the list can become quite long. It’s like “I’ve got it coming to me” attitude. The home they live in is untouchable just as their lives are. I was like this in some ways and a part of me desired to have that status, looking back now it makes me want to PUKE so I can only imagine how it makes the Father feel. 😦  

2. Our homes should be a place of peace, salvation, restoration, rest for the people that the Lord brings into our lives. A place that is safe where a man or a woman can bring their burdens to and unload. A place where the Spirit of the living God dwells and touches lives, using the very men and women he calls to serve Him, be his hands and feet. I believe that an elder/pastor should have an open door. I don’t know where any other way came from…. how it became to different.

3. Our homes should be a place of an example when it comes to living life, family, marriage, children, how we keep our homes etc etc etc…. The lives we live as husband and wife should be EXACTLY the same behind the closed doors of our homes as it is in the church in front of everyone and in public. We should not have to clean up our homes and lives to have guest.

When it comes to this one for me……….. well man it was all WRONG!! Paul put this in his letter and Holy Spirit has placed it in the Bible for us to understand and to put into practice. I find it interesting that there is a list here that says we should be tested on and after we are tested and pass the test then we can become an elder/pastor. I know men that have set themselves up as a “pastor” and use the terms,….”I do not need man to approve my ministry I only need the Holy Spirit, if God calls me who is man to tell me if I can or cannot” I finally get this entire section of scripture and why we have it. WE DO NEED men to test us, Godly men who the Lord has called and have been tested themselves. We need to TRUST GOD in these things not man, but trust that GOD CALLED THEM. IF they are NOT right with the Lord and testing you, SO BE IT!!! God will deal with that man……….if you don’t believe me just ask me. I was a man that sat in the seat testing men and women for 5 years and my life was NOT RIGHT with Him……I believe God used me in this role, but he sure didn’t allow me to get away with it. WE need to have authority over our lives, BE AWARE of any man or woman who is a “pastor or elder or evangelist” with no credentials!! I am very convinced of this or it would NOT be in the Word of God.

Well it turns out I’m just going to do this one today…… that’s enough for me right now. It is very difficult writing these things as I reflect and see my life in the past. I must admit it gives me hope for the future though. Right now I sit here and the word in my head is “Joy comes in the morning” — I’m still waiting for morning to come into my life……I can see it coming.